Tonight I Wasn't Very Sara

I went back to my psychologist today. It had been about five years since my last visit.
Honestly, I was never "fixed". When I was eleven and I got out of that terrible depression that I was in, I wasn't done being depressed or having anxiety. Instead, I had learned how to cope with it.
Sure, I didn't think I was going insane anymore, but I was still thinking about how many horrible outcomes each day could have.
I didn't want to go back to the psychologist for the longest time. My mom would mention it on the days when I couldn't hold it together that well, but I always said no. I honestly thought that I could work through it on my own, but I can't. I think I tricked myself into thinking that everything was fine, that I was going to work through everything by myself. I was very wrong.
As I was talking to my psychologist today, I think I finally understood how long this has been going on. Basically, I've had terrible anxiety my entire life.

Today I wanted to go to the football game. It was a home game and all of my friends were going to be there.
It was going to be fun.
But on the drive home from the appointment, I started feeling really bad again.
And by feeling bad, I don't mean a headache. I was upset over so many things all at once.
I was sad for my parents worrying about me. I was sad about my friends probably thinking that I'm crazy because they don't understand how much anxiety affects my life, etc.

When I got home I decided to play Minecraft and try to get myself thinking happier thoughts, but that didn't help anything. My mom was going on a walk around the block and so I decided to go with her.
But as I was getting dressed, my friend Paige called me.

On and off for an hour, I had been debating with myself on whether or not I should go to the game.
Then I messaged Paige and told her that I wouldn't be coming.
I was just so upset and I still am upset. I didn't want to be around people at all, even the friends that I am very grateful for. Lately, since this has been progressively been getting worse, I've been making up excuses to get out of social events. It doesn't matter what the setting is. From a football game to going to Sonic with my friends, it doesn't take much to throw me into anxiety mode. And because I was already having a hard time with it, I knew that I would most likely be a blubbering mess in the car and that I would probably leave the game early. Half the time, I make up some excuse about my mom wanting me to come home when I'm out with friends. I say that I didn't do the dishes or that I have some sort of homework to do, but really it's because I get sad and worried even more than usual. I leave because I know that if I stay, I could potentially start crying or get very quiet and then my friends would ask me too many questions.
I really don't like answering questions when I get like that. Partly, it's because I can't put how I'm feeling into words. For the most part, it's because I know that I'll start crying again. I don't like to cry in front of people.

So when Paige called me and asked why I wasn't going to the game, it was all I could do to hold myself together. The reason I wasn't going didn't have to do with wanting to write, or play video games, or reading.
It had to do with the fact that I was just too fragile to go anywhere in public.

After I had myself mostly pulled together, dad watched Doctor Who with me. It meant a lot to me since both  of my parents hate that show. But we watched Blink, and no one is allowed to hate that episode because it's awesome.
I love my parents so much, and I'm very thankful that they try their best to help me not to be so sad and worried all the time.

Hopefully, this can provide my friends with the answers to why I've been absent from social functions lately.

Now that I've started going back to a psychologist, I think that I'll start to get better soon.
At least I hope so.

Peace, love, and socks,
Sara

Say, Sara- Staying Close

Say, Sara
When you graduate do you still plan on being close to your friends? 
-Anonymous 


Why yes, I do plan on staying close to them.
Paige and Elizabeth are like my sisters. I know that I annoy them from time to time, and that Paige gets tired of hearing about my latest nerd obsessions, but we all love each other dearly.
Those two girls can make me laugh even when I'm having a horrible day. We build each other up, create imaginary murder plots for the people who hurt us, and do the silliest things.
I honestly don't know what I would do without either of them.

Me and Cap'n!

When we go off to college and end up miles away from each other, I don't think anything will change.
At least I really hope not. I think they'll still be my favorite confidants. 
Assuming that I get married one day, I'll have them be my maids of honor because I could never choose just one of them :)


I know that people change and sometimes grow apart, but I feel like the second part is optional. 
People grow apart because one or both of them needs that change to make things better for themselves. 
Sometimes people can hold you back from greatness. They can knock you down, trample you, and still be unable to see what went wrong. But some people, the people who are better for you to be around, they will raise you up. They'll push you out of your comfort zone and allow you to reach goals in your life that you never thought possible. Those people are the kind of humans I like to surround myself with.
I don't see myself growing apart from Paige and Elizabeth. If they ever grew apart from me, I'd be pretty sad and I wouldn't really know what to do.

The three of us are like really mature kids.
I remember one day a year or two ago when Paige and I were bored out of our minds.
Sure, we could have played on the internet or watched TV, but what did we do? We ended up having the "Walnut Olympics" in my backyard.
We got out a bucket and threw huge walnuts at it from varying distances. We lined walnuts up on the picnic table and threw more walnuts at them to clear the table off. We even hung walnuts from clothes pins on the laundry line and tried to knock them off with other walnuts.
That was when I knew that Paige and I were pretty awesome people. Because who else has fun at like fifteen or fourteen years old by throwing around some walnuts? I think we could do the very same thing now and still have fun. :)

Paige, me, and my brother :)

In conclusion, I do plan on staying close to my friends after high school. And not just Paige and Elizabeth, but all of the wonderful people that I have come to know over the last couple of years.
I hope that no matter where we all end up in the world that we can make time for each other.

Peace, love, and skating,
Sara

Arguments of the Fun Variety

My best friend Paige and I have the most ridiculous arguments, but they always make me laugh :)
More recently, we argued over the show Vampire Diaries. If you aren't familiar with the show, I'll break it down for you.
Basically, it's extremely loosely based on a series of books that weren't the best in the first place.
I should also go ahead and admit that I loyally watched this show for two and a half seasons before I finally got tired of watching the writers run out of ideas. Pretty much, the show is a supernatural soap opera, complete with people (and vampires) that just can't stay dead.
Also I should mention that from the very beginning of the show, I was rooting for Damon to end up with Elena.
On to the argument :)
In the latest episode (which Paige wanted me to watch since I stopped watching the show 5 episodes ago) Damon and Elena kissed for like the third time in three seasons. Because Elena is a total idiot and still has feelings for Stefan, she messed everything up. Like usual.
Anyway, Paige is on Stefan's side of everything because of some reason I've never quite understood.
Her argument is, if you knew that someone loved you and was always going to be good for you (Stefan) why would you choose someone who loves you, but is sometimes a tad bit insane (Damon)?
Obviously, I've always been for Damon because he's a tortured hero. Stefan is a whiny little baby who gets on my last nerve! So, my answer to Paige's question is: I would pick Damon because even though he has break downs sometimes, he needs Elena to help him keep everything together.
If there were a guarantee that someone would always be there for you and never screw up, you wouldn't have to try would you? It would be too easy. What's love without a challenge at some point? :)
So there you have it Paige, I've given you an answer :)
Even though this chick disagrees with me over Vampire Diaries, she was cool enough to take my glasses off my face last night before I crushed them in my sleep. For that, I thank you. :)

Peace, love, and crappy acting,
                                       Sara

About to Live

My Mema and I when I was two or three :)

My 16th birthday is coming up soon, and all of it has really just made me depressed. I know, I know. I should be so excited because I'll have a car and it means that I'm growing up and all of that, but honestly... it scares me. 

When I was ten years old, I started the count down to my 16th birthday. Every year on my birthday, I would say: "Just six more years! Just five more! Four more to go!". But now it's just a few weeks away. And the college countdown has begun. It worries me so much that in just a few years I'll be gone. And I know I'll never actually come back and live here, my dreams are too big for that, but there are so many people I'll miss. 

As I was looking over the guest list to my party, I got really depressed. Here, on this piece of paper, are twenty people. Some that I don't know that well, some that I want to know better, and then there were the people I've grown up with. The people that understand references to things that happened two years ago, the people who understand references to second and third grade. The guy who never fails to let me copy his geometry homework. :) Thanks Zach, for always enabling me to be the slacker that I am. 

Anyways, as I read over the list, my heart started to feel heavy. All of you that put up with me and this blog, should understand by now that I am a very sentimental person. So just thinking about how many people I call my friends made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :) 

Thanks, all of you. Those of you that have been with me and stood by me through thick and thin through all of our goofy adventures. My friends mean as much to me as my family does. It took me such a long time to find friends that I knew wouldn't hurt me on purpose. 

Seeing how fast my 16th birthday came around, I have a perspective on how short life is I think. 

In fifteen years, where will we all be? Will we be happy? Will I still talk to my best friends every single day? Or will I have new friends, and will I only see my high school friends at reunions? I refuse to accept that. 

I won't ever replace you. Sure, I might have more friends, but you will always be so special to me. 

Especially my very limited group of girlfriends. We've been together through acne, crushes, rejection, the occasional stalker. You've seen my hobbies grow into passions, and you were with me when my guitar teacher made me sing. You all knew how scared I was :) I remember how terribly my back was shaking when I got up on "The Sacred Stool" that first time. It probably looked like I was crying :) 

But now I'm over that. Sure, I still hate getting up in front of people, and I hate public speaking, but I'll work on it. The point is, I love you guys. I know it must have been a real challenge to get me to talk when you first met me, but that's how I guess I'll always be. I've always been guarded, but with all of you I'm not. 

Paige, Elizabeth, Dylan and Kimberlee, you've all seen sides of me that most people haven't and I'm so thankful for that. I love having friends who love me even if I have a horrible laugh, easily lose my train of thought, skip through topics at random, and even when my alter ego shows up. 

So here's to hoping that in fifteen years, when I'm living in Australia and working on my latest novel, we'll talk every week :)

Peace, Love, and Generic Party Invitations,

                                                                   Sara

Friends: The family I got to choose

I, am very awkward.
And I embrace this.
It takes me a while to be close friends with someone, and sometimes that gets on my nerves. But in the end, I guess it's really a good thing. All that means, is that I wait to see if the person is really someone I can trust.
Sure, I laugh like a dying whale, but somehow I still have awesome friends.
And in this post, I'm going to tell about my four closest ones.

Paige: One of the reasons I love Paige so much, is that she's never afraid to say what's on her mind. That girl can go off on people that make her mad. She's got this stare (I like to refer to it as the Stare-o'-Death) that makes anyone shake in their boots. Except me. By now I'm used to the Stare-o'-Death. The best way I can describe that look, would be a crazed killer who is about to cut your heart out with a very dull spoon.
She gives this look to anyone who has made her mad. Like anytime I bring up the incident involving a squirrel running across the road. Splat went that squirrel right across the highway. That's funny, if Paige could see me right now, she'd be giving me that look. But I know she thinks that this is funny, so I don't care :)
Paige always has my back, no matter what and I have her back too. I just wished she lived closer...The whole twenty feet I have to walk to her house gets pretty tiresome.
Me and Paige, we're like two ninja assassins, fighting off all the idiots of the world. Okay, maybe that last part was a little ridiculous, but I'm tired. Who cares.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're all thinking. Good God, Sara was a nerd way back then too! But, that's me and Paige from the summer of third grade I think :)

This picture, is from last summer :) Top row: Kimberlee and Paige. Bottom row, Elizabeth and me.

I just got really tired, and so my three other friends are going to have to wait their turn. I think I'll just go to sleep right here... On this nice.. soft... keyboard..

Peace, love, and death stares,
                                                Sara