Thanks

It’s Mother’s day, which means I’m writing this post for my mom.

Mom,
             Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for loving me despite my anxieties and my depressions. Despite my mood swings and the days when I just don’t know what to do with myself, you’re    always there for me.

You make me laugh when I feel bad, and that’s a pretty big accomplishment. Honestly, you’re my best friend. You don’t judge me like everyone else around here does. You love me for who I am, and I cannot express how much that means to me.

A few nights ago when you were talking to Nate and I in the kitchen, you told us that if either of us were gay, you would love us the very same. How lucky I am to have a parent who understands what it means to love someone unconditionally. It makes me so sad to think of all of the children who are homosexual and have parents who are not supportive.
You raised me to be independent and to love myself regardless of what people say. You taught me that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says as long as I love my own choices. Life is too short to be defined by what others think.
I am so lucky to have a mom who taught me how to think for myself. I’m definitely a free spirit. I’m an old soul. You understand those parts of me. You understand that I question everything and you respect me for that.
I truly hope that I’ve made you happy and proud throughout all of the seventeen years that I’ve been alive. Thank you for bringing me into this world, no matter how much it sucks to be a citizen of this planet sometimes. I know that I’m here to make a change for the better, and so I suppose that I can put up with all of the idiots that try to get in my way.

Peace, love, and having a mom who rocks,
                                                                                        Sara

Stronger Now

My anxiety is getting worse again.
That panicky, nagging, feeling at the back of my mind is back.
It's been getting worse for a while, but I've been pushing it away and pushing it away.
But eventually, the dam that I built in my mind to hold everything back, is going to break.
Here's to hoping that I'll be strong enough to build it right back again if it does.

I can't quite think of a way to sum up the feelings that I have, and I don't want to write them all out.
Basically, I do a lot of crying. And not the kind that is usually associated with my "Sara-ness" (crying over books, movies, shows...specifically the Doomsday episode of Doctor Who), but the kind that I hate the most. The kind of crying that I do whenever my anxiety gets really bad makes me feel weak and even more stupid than I probably already feel at the time.

I get so frustrated at myself for worrying over things that I know I have no control over.
With the new school year, it has gotten even worse.
But I have a secret weapon; something that I didn't have years ago, when I was at the lowest time in my life.
I have friends.

Real friends, too. Not the flaky ones I had back then.
Nope, I've got real ones.

To all of you who are the friends I'm speaking to: If this next week, this next month, or this entire school year is hard for me, please don't leave me by myself. I've been there before, and I don't want to ever go back to that awful place. If I turn into some sort of horribly reserved, cold person, know that I'm still in there somewhere. But that's worst case scenario, of course. I plan on pulling myself out of this, even if I have to go back to a psychologist. I'm stubborn enough to think that I can do all of this on my own, and that's probably ignorant of me, but I'm going to try it anyway. I've fought this battle before, I can do it again.
I'm stronger now than I was then.

So, if I fall off into a long silence or I start crying, please yell at me to get my crap together.

Peace, love, and novel writing,
Sara

Say, Sara- Staying Close

Say, Sara
When you graduate do you still plan on being close to your friends? 
-Anonymous 


Why yes, I do plan on staying close to them.
Paige and Elizabeth are like my sisters. I know that I annoy them from time to time, and that Paige gets tired of hearing about my latest nerd obsessions, but we all love each other dearly.
Those two girls can make me laugh even when I'm having a horrible day. We build each other up, create imaginary murder plots for the people who hurt us, and do the silliest things.
I honestly don't know what I would do without either of them.

Me and Cap'n!

When we go off to college and end up miles away from each other, I don't think anything will change.
At least I really hope not. I think they'll still be my favorite confidants. 
Assuming that I get married one day, I'll have them be my maids of honor because I could never choose just one of them :)


I know that people change and sometimes grow apart, but I feel like the second part is optional. 
People grow apart because one or both of them needs that change to make things better for themselves. 
Sometimes people can hold you back from greatness. They can knock you down, trample you, and still be unable to see what went wrong. But some people, the people who are better for you to be around, they will raise you up. They'll push you out of your comfort zone and allow you to reach goals in your life that you never thought possible. Those people are the kind of humans I like to surround myself with.
I don't see myself growing apart from Paige and Elizabeth. If they ever grew apart from me, I'd be pretty sad and I wouldn't really know what to do.

The three of us are like really mature kids.
I remember one day a year or two ago when Paige and I were bored out of our minds.
Sure, we could have played on the internet or watched TV, but what did we do? We ended up having the "Walnut Olympics" in my backyard.
We got out a bucket and threw huge walnuts at it from varying distances. We lined walnuts up on the picnic table and threw more walnuts at them to clear the table off. We even hung walnuts from clothes pins on the laundry line and tried to knock them off with other walnuts.
That was when I knew that Paige and I were pretty awesome people. Because who else has fun at like fifteen or fourteen years old by throwing around some walnuts? I think we could do the very same thing now and still have fun. :)

Paige, me, and my brother :)

In conclusion, I do plan on staying close to my friends after high school. And not just Paige and Elizabeth, but all of the wonderful people that I have come to know over the last couple of years.
I hope that no matter where we all end up in the world that we can make time for each other.

Peace, love, and skating,
Sara