Stronger Now

My anxiety is getting worse again.
That panicky, nagging, feeling at the back of my mind is back.
It's been getting worse for a while, but I've been pushing it away and pushing it away.
But eventually, the dam that I built in my mind to hold everything back, is going to break.
Here's to hoping that I'll be strong enough to build it right back again if it does.

I can't quite think of a way to sum up the feelings that I have, and I don't want to write them all out.
Basically, I do a lot of crying. And not the kind that is usually associated with my "Sara-ness" (crying over books, movies, shows...specifically the Doomsday episode of Doctor Who), but the kind that I hate the most. The kind of crying that I do whenever my anxiety gets really bad makes me feel weak and even more stupid than I probably already feel at the time.

I get so frustrated at myself for worrying over things that I know I have no control over.
With the new school year, it has gotten even worse.
But I have a secret weapon; something that I didn't have years ago, when I was at the lowest time in my life.
I have friends.

Real friends, too. Not the flaky ones I had back then.
Nope, I've got real ones.

To all of you who are the friends I'm speaking to: If this next week, this next month, or this entire school year is hard for me, please don't leave me by myself. I've been there before, and I don't want to ever go back to that awful place. If I turn into some sort of horribly reserved, cold person, know that I'm still in there somewhere. But that's worst case scenario, of course. I plan on pulling myself out of this, even if I have to go back to a psychologist. I'm stubborn enough to think that I can do all of this on my own, and that's probably ignorant of me, but I'm going to try it anyway. I've fought this battle before, I can do it again.
I'm stronger now than I was then.

So, if I fall off into a long silence or I start crying, please yell at me to get my crap together.

Peace, love, and novel writing,
Sara

Say, Sara- On Rumors

Say, Sara
How do you stay so strong!? Your so committed to your blog, and your music. I don't even know you, and your like my ideal! I check your blog almost every day. Just to see what you have to say! I hope you continue your blog forever! It makes me cry, and laugh (sometimes at the same time)! :). So, I was wondering, There is this nasty rumor going around my home town about me... I don't even want to show my face anymore! :(. What do I do? How can I stop it!?


A lover of your work,
Melia 

Thank you for saying those things :) It makes me extremely happy to know that someone understands what I'm writing about.
I only consider myself strong sometimes. No one can be strong all the time because at some point in all of our lives something will break us. The only thing that really matters is how we put ourselves back together.
As for my blog and my music, I look to writing (both music and stories that I can never get quite right) as a way to think. When I write, I never know exactly what the outcome might be, I just know that I have to get my thoughts onto paper.

Now, to answer your question.
I wish that I could tell you the exact solution to stopping a hurtful rumor. Sadly, there isn't a real way.
What I can tell you, is that you are stronger than the words of people who don't know what they're talking about. I've been the victim of rumors in the past and it is definitely not a fun place to be in.
People are so quick to assume that whatever they hear from someone else is true. People are also quick to judge you based on these things.

When I was in middle school, people were not very nice to me. I was (and still am) a weird kid.
I got called awful names, and if you might recall from an earlier post, a particularly hateful girl spat on my shoes.
Later, just last year, someone told me that they were only mean to me because they had heard something about me from someone else. Needless to say, that person is not my friend anymore.

So how do you beat the rumor?
Be so much better than the idiots who are spreading it around.
Be strong, be wise, and most of all, be brave.

People who spread rumors do it for attention. They do it to single out someone they might label as weak.
But guess what? You aren't weak.
You have more strength than all of the people who believed in and spread that rumor.
Why? Because you heard those things being said about you, and you kept going.

Never let anyone's idea of you define who you are. Rise above their ignorance and make them regret the things they've said by setting an example of epic coolness. :)

Peace, love, and battle scars,
Sara