What I Learned at VGS

About a week after school was out, I attended a program called Volunteer Girls State. The program, for those of you who have no idea about what I’m referring to, is a week long foray into the government.
You learn about each branch of the government as well as creating a fictional state government. But VGS is so much more than that.

Weeks before I went to VGS I began worrying about it. As you may know, I’m a Democrat living in a primarily Republican state. Naturally, I dreaded that there would be no other girls with my same views on world issues. I knew that I would stand up for what I believe in, but I was afraid that I would be the only one.
HA! That was yet another example of my worrying too much.

What I found after I unloaded the majority of my personal belongings into my dorm room, was a group of girls that I never expected.

My roommate Samiha, Khushbu, and myself 

My roommate and I had long talks at night making fun of Republicans and laughing hysterically. I met a girl named Niman on the first day and guess what? She’s a Liberal! In fact, she ended up representing us in Girls Nation.

Niman! 

I met a girl who I would later refer to as Soul Sister Julia. Our first conversation went something like this:

Soul Sister Julia and I before the Gubernatorial  inauguration 

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m in the way.
Julia: No! You’re fine!
Me: Those are cool… glasses.
Julia: Thanks!
Me: My name’s Sara. I’m incredibly awkward.
Julia: My name’s Julia and I’m incredibly awkward as well. We’re going to be great friends.

I met two fantastic girls in chorus and talk to them nearly everyday.

Chorus girls! Emily, me, and Gabby 

It made me incredibly happy to see myself break out of my shell. When I came there, I was a shy and extremely reserved person. Now I am not afraid of talking to strangers. I’m not afraid to show the world who I am. I’m not afraid to say, “Yeah,  I’m a Democrat. Tell me why it’s wrong to have an opinion that differs from yours.”
There was something that a speaker said at the closing ceremony that really made a lump form in my throat. She said, “Parents, VGS is known for igniting a spark within young women to make a change for the better in this world. When you go home today you will see this spark in their eyes. Absolutely DO NOT try to extinguish that flame. If anything, let it grow. Let them catch fire. And girls, never let yourself or anyone else dim your flame. You are important and you CAN make a difference.”

Needless to say, I went home sobbing. I was sure that I would never have friends as beautiful and kind as those that I met over the week. These people knew me at six o’clock in the morning when I shambled into the bathroom with crazy hair and no make up. And you know what? They didn’t care.  But just as I was wrong in thinking that I would be the only Liberal out of 500+ girls, I know that I will be wrong in thinking that I will never again find friends as beautiful and as intelligent as the girls that I met while I was there.
I love you all!

Dear reader, take my advice and live as if everyone you meet already knows you and accepts you. Sure, you'll run into a few angry souls along the way, but I assure you that there are far more caring people in the world than you know.

Peace, love, and bed-heads,
Sara

ACT Hell

                                              (Pictures taken on cruise)

First of all, I need to apologize for my prolonged absence. School deadlines have been creeping up on me, not to mention the ACT which I endured yesterday.
For anyone who doesn’t know what the ACT is, let me explain. Basically, the American College Test is the first circle of hell as described in The Divine Comedy. 
Your butt is practically glued to an uncomfortable desk seat for three hours while you sit in silence. If a watch beeps or a phone goes off, every test in the room is voided. It’s a pretty big deal.
I’m not sure what I expected, but I definitely didn’t expect to walk into the school gym that had been transformed into a giant testing facility. Thick black tarps covered the basketball courts, giving it the feel of an impending massacre that would be quite easy to clean up.
When the actual test began, I was feeling pretty good. English was the first portion, and English is my strongest subject. However, by the time math rolled around, I felt convinced that I must be sprouting gray hair. I think that test might have aged me several years.
Reading was easy enough, but I did not have nearly enough time. Science might as well have been written in Arabic because I had no idea what was going on. My brain was dead from the previous tests. I had the strange urge to stand up on my chair and begin violently ripping my test paper up. However, I realized that doing that was probably not in my best interests.
Overall,  I have no idea how well I did. Here’s to hoping that I don’t have to retake it.

On a completely unrelated note, there’s a good chance that Koas, my wonderful friend from England, will be coming to visit me this summer! I’m beyond excited, and I cannot wait to see him in person.

Peace, love, and pen-pals,
Sara

Broken?

A few months ago, while on a visit to my psychologist, she asked me a question.
“Do you ever feel like there is something broken inside of you? That you just don’t work the same as everyone else?”
I sat there for a moment, unable to respond. Those words summed up my feelings for the past five or so years. I have always felt that something in my brain just didn’t tick right. Somewhere inside of my mind, a gear was rusty and was not turning properly.
When she asked me that, I fought back tears. Every time I go to her office, I know that I’ll tear up. She always seems to put into words the things that I cannot find an adequate way to describe.
“Yes,” I told her.

I am an introvert. I enjoy alone time. I can spend hours thinking. But I do not like being around people for long periods of time.
I know that my friends don’t always understand this about me and it makes me sad. I wish that I didn’t have to bail out of things for the sake of preserving my sanity. I wish that I operated the same as everyone else.
And then again, I don’t.
I am glad that I do not look at things in the same light as everyone else. If I did not need to eat, drink, or sleep, I could spend a month inside my head without ever being bored a single time.
The stars alone amaze me. The grass after a rain makes me smile. In the simplest corners of life, I find meaning that is so often looked over. Maybe I have a poet’s soul.

But with all of the blessings, whatever sort of insanity I have is also a curse.
I lash out at the ones I love too often because I am angry with myself over things that they have no control over. I forget too easily that my mother and father and brother cannot see the inner turmoil taking place inside my mind.
Even now that I take medication for my anxiety, I sometimes still feel that nagging weight that sits like a rock on my heart. The medicine has helped me tremendously, but I understand that a pill can never fully patch the broken places in my brain. 

I don’t want people to feel bad for me. This is just another sort of lifestyle.
Maybe I am broken, but I’m fine that way.

Peace, love, and understanding yourself,
Sara