Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Vultures

Don't you love the days when you pull out a pack of gum at school (very discreetly of course) and within no more than five seconds, everyone seems to know you and your pack of gum personally?
It happens to me all the time.
But fear not, good readers! There are many ways to stop this problem. The way you go about ending this madness is more about personal preference than anything else.
Before you decide to take action, you should probably learn a little bit more about the actual vulture.
Below is a list of the top three most common Gum Beggars you may run into in life's many adventures.

  • Buddy-Buddy-Bugs-You: Probably the most famous type of gum pack offender. These are the people who do the entire act of pretending to be one of your good friends in order to get some gum. These are not to be confused with the actual Best Friend Vultures who can use the best friend card to have a piece. Common phrases used by this group include, "I promise I'll give you a piece tomorrow" and "Pretty pretty please with sugar on top?" 
  • Pity Stare:  This sort of person will find your weaknesses and use them to their advantage. Compassionate person? They'll use the Pity Stare. Essentially, whenever a pack of gum is opened in front of them, they use their biggest asset: the eyes. Suddenly, you have to feel just a little bit sorry for them. You think of all the times you may have said something rude to them and you think, What the hey! I'll just give them a piece. They are a very dangerous type of vulture, and should be avoided at all costs.
  • Teleporters: These are both the most uncommon and the most obnoxious of all the vultures. They seem to appear out of thin air at the very sound of a gum wrapper being opened. It's almost as if some sort of instinct is deeply embedded into their DNA that allows them to know where gum is located. They don't have to know you, and you don't have to know them, but they will find you
I recommend a variety of choices while dealing with these monsters.

  1. Always carry a small water spritz bottle with you. When they ask for gum? Squirt them with it. Easy, simple, and it works with cats as well. Although, cats don't generally try to take your gum from you.
  2. Begin to make very strange, gargling noises. Not only will they wonder what's wrong with you, but if the noise is done correctly, they may be scared out of their mind. 
  3. Just say, "MEHHHHHH?"  They'll leave quickly, trust me.
  4. For the more violent type, I suggest keeping a small pouch of pebbles on hand. No one likes having a handful of pebbles thrown on them.
  5. Pepper spray.
  6. Just say NO! 
Sadly, these people do exist. They pray on those who actually remember to buy gum and make their lives miserable.
Please, stop the torture. Reach into your pocket and for just a few hundred dollars a month, you can be the voice of those who fall victim to this behavior. Put an end to the madness.

Peace, Love, and Random Posts,
                                                        Sara

2 comments :

  1. Your posts are always so fun, but this was an exception!

    I've just stopped bringing gum to school, it's not worth the drama..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aw shucks! Thanks Ginger!
    ~Sara

    ReplyDelete