What I Believe

I have written this post at least three times now, and never published a single one of them. They end up as lonely drafts on my "posts" page, and I don't revisit them again.
But today, I feel like posting it. I don't care if it means losing followers, either.
From the very start of this blog, I've said that this is for me. It's a project that continuously documents my life, and I don't sugar coat. I also don't omit any of my views, opinions, or beliefs.
That being said, I'm going to talk about my religious views.

I was raised a Christian. I went to church on Sunday, I took part in the youth group, I went on mission trips. But in the sixth grade, at the start of a terrible depression, I started to question things.
I questioned God's existence, among other things, and I felt horrible. I mean, the Christian belief is what I was raised with! It was a part of my life, and thinking for just one moment that it could all just be a very clever and elaborate story hurt me. So I stopped questioning it. I tried to move past the questions.
It's worth noting that I live in the south. People here are, for the most part, very religious and very conservative.
One day, a friend of mine asked me if I had been "saved", which is another way of saying 'baptized' in case anyone didn't know. I told her that I hadn't been, and she basically acted as if I was going to hell unless I got "saved". For a while, I let that get to me. I was worried about dying before I was baptized. And then it occurred to me. The God that I believed in wasn't that cruel or unforgiving. The God that I believed in did not condemn people to hell just because they worshiped in different ways or didn't get baptized.
As I got older, I realized that I didn't agree with many of the views of the church. I also saw how hypocritical many "Christians" could be. I saw how much they judged, and openly hated people. Now, I'm not saying every Christian is like this. My mother isn't this way.
There were just so many things that I didn't agree with.

Once, I got into a huge argument with one of my friends because he said that anyone who wasn't a Christian would be condemned to hell.
I don't believe that for a second.
Just because someone is born into a Jewish family, does not mean that they are going to be sent to hell.
I mean, come on.
But this guy, he told me that anyone who didn't buy into Christianity was going to hell.

Around the same time, I was beginning to see the blind hatred and ignorance towards homosexuals.
I heard so much about, "They choose to be gay! It's a choice!"
Why in the hell would you choose to be gay? I mean, if it was a choice I might be gay just to prove a point, but I'm not. I'm straight, and I support gay rights because gay rights are human rights. End of story.
I don't give a damn that it's in the bible. The bible was written hundreds of years ago and it wasn't written by God or Jesus. So to use it as a consistent argument to condemn homosexuality is ludicrous. This is, in fact, the same bible in which women are not seen as equals to men.

It was all of these things, and more, that led me to have beliefs of my own.
So, I have decided to outline my major beliefs right now.

1. I believe in the existence of a God, but I don't have a religion to go with it.
   There are many different religions that believe in a singular god who is very similar to the Christian version of God. 
2. Christianity is a fairly new religion when you look at the many different religions throughout history. 
3. I believe in science, evolution, etc. Not that you can't believe in those things and still be a Christian, because you can. 
4. I believe in a God that does not punish people for who they love. Also, you can be a Christian and believe that being gay is a-okay. My mom does, and she's Christian. Thank you, mom, for sharing many of my same ideals. 
5. I don't know what comes after this life, but I don't imagine that I'll care too much since I'll be dead when I find out. As Peter Pan said, "To die will be the greatest adventure of all".
6. I believe that there is so much that we just don't know. 
7. I am perfectly happy with my idea of God. 

Those are only a few of my beliefs, but they do a good job of summing it up.

Peace, love, and Taco Bell,
Sara

Stronger Now

My anxiety is getting worse again.
That panicky, nagging, feeling at the back of my mind is back.
It's been getting worse for a while, but I've been pushing it away and pushing it away.
But eventually, the dam that I built in my mind to hold everything back, is going to break.
Here's to hoping that I'll be strong enough to build it right back again if it does.

I can't quite think of a way to sum up the feelings that I have, and I don't want to write them all out.
Basically, I do a lot of crying. And not the kind that is usually associated with my "Sara-ness" (crying over books, movies, shows...specifically the Doomsday episode of Doctor Who), but the kind that I hate the most. The kind of crying that I do whenever my anxiety gets really bad makes me feel weak and even more stupid than I probably already feel at the time.

I get so frustrated at myself for worrying over things that I know I have no control over.
With the new school year, it has gotten even worse.
But I have a secret weapon; something that I didn't have years ago, when I was at the lowest time in my life.
I have friends.

Real friends, too. Not the flaky ones I had back then.
Nope, I've got real ones.

To all of you who are the friends I'm speaking to: If this next week, this next month, or this entire school year is hard for me, please don't leave me by myself. I've been there before, and I don't want to ever go back to that awful place. If I turn into some sort of horribly reserved, cold person, know that I'm still in there somewhere. But that's worst case scenario, of course. I plan on pulling myself out of this, even if I have to go back to a psychologist. I'm stubborn enough to think that I can do all of this on my own, and that's probably ignorant of me, but I'm going to try it anyway. I've fought this battle before, I can do it again.
I'm stronger now than I was then.

So, if I fall off into a long silence or I start crying, please yell at me to get my crap together.

Peace, love, and novel writing,
Sara

Time Warp

Ah, the end of summer. It always comes to fast and it always seems to just show up one day.
This summer I had the privilege of babysitting two very awesome girls (ages seven and twelve), and today is my last day with them for a while. For probably a very long while, actually.
I'm happy that I might get to babysit them next summer though.

We don't get to pick the people that come into our lives. We don't get to pick how long they stay, or how short our time with them might be. They come into our lives to inspire us, to encourage us. Sometimes they come into our lives and hurt us, but they make us even stronger.
These girls came into my life and inspired me. They make me want to write some fantastic children's story.
In fact, children are the most inspiring sort of humans that I've ever met.

I'm still a kid on the inside.
I'm curious about everything, I love strange things and new things. I love adventure and risks and life.
I suppose that when you stop being curious, you aren't a kid any longer. I will never stop being curious, and therefore I will never be old. I will never stop inventing whimsical worlds in my head and writing them down.

My mother is always getting on to me for that; for going so far off into my head that I don't hear whatever it is that she's just said. I admit that it does cause problems some times, but one day it'll pay off...I hope.
There are just so many things to see every day. There is so much to learn.
There are not enough hours in the day and the night combined for me to accomplish all that I want to do.
And I guess that is something that I'm afraid of. I am afraid of dying without knowing all that I wanted to know and without seeing all of the beautiful places and people that I wanted to see.
But I suppose that is one of humankind's great curses. We have such a short time here and so much of it is wasted. I want to live the best life for me. I don't want to grow old (physically) and look back with regrets.
But I know I will, because I am a very melancholy person. Sometimes I am so bright and enthusiastic, and other times I know that I am dark and sort of dismal.
I feel like I'm always going to be this way, and I guess that's alright. It's just another thing that makes me who I am.

To the girls that I babysat this summer: Thank you for allowing me to have a job that didn't involve working.
I hope that one day I can write something for you two.

Peace, love, and Paper Cranes,
Sara

I'm Sick.

I'm sick of ignorance. I'm sick of people hating entire groups of people for no good reason.

I'm sick of seeing crap on the internet (especially Facebook) about how any one who is gay is going to hell and how such "perfect" Christians feel sorry for their souls.
Give me an effing break.
There are places in the bible where it says that women should not speak in churches. Places where it says you should not have tattoos, ear-piercings, etc. I especially love this next verse here: "I do not permit a woman to speak or to have authority over a man; she must be silent." 1 Timothy 2:12.
So, in other words, everyone can lay off on using the Bible against gay people. You know, unless they want to interpret the Bible in the way that women are looked down on and slaves are okay.

We realize now that slavery was entirely wrong and awful. We realize now that women and men are to be held as equals. But for some reason, people can't let the gay thing go.
I'm so freaking tired of people claiming to be such great Christians and then being so prejudiced against an entire group of people. All of it is ignorance.

If the Christian version of God hates gay people, then I don't want any part of being a Christian.
What kind of God hates people because of who they are? Kudos to the thousands of gay people who were able to keep their faith when they were being told that they were living in sin and undoubtedly going to hell.
My God loves and does not hate people or judge people or condemn people to hell for who they love.

My mom told me once that if I or my brother were gay that she'd probably love us even more than she already does, because we would have to grow up in a society that, for the most part, thinks that gays are wrong. Anyone who is gay in a society like this has to be incredibly strong and incredibly positive.

As for gay marriage? I say, why the hell not.
What does it matter?
I found this great pie chart on Pinterest that I'd like to share.

There you have it.

The way I see it, gay rights are human rights. One of my favorite actors (and imaginary husband) Daniel Radcliffe said, "You don't have to be gay to support gay rights, you just have to be human."
I'm a very passionate person. I'm passionate about so many things. One of those things happens to be the hope for a future where people can finally stop hating and let things be. Let's all love each other shall we?

Peace, love, and being a tiny blue dot surrounded by red,
Sara