A Dance with No Music

That's how I'm feeling right now. But, I promised that the next post would be a happy one, so here goes nothing.
And when I say this one will be happy, I think I just mean "happier" than the past few posts.

Ah Christmas, the one day every single year that I turn into a big ball of crazy emotions.
It's not that I have anything against Christmas, it just always makes me feel bad.
I feel like I don't deserve any of the things that my family and friends give me. I feel like whatever i gave them isn't nearly good enough.
Christmas also always has a way of making me think to much. Especially about past Christmases.
When I was small, on the night before Christmas, I could hardly ever sleep.
I was so excited about Santa coming  into my house and leaving me presents.
I always left food for his reindeer.
When I got older, and I learned that there isn't really a Santa, I still got to relive those feelings watching my brother get so excited.
But now, we both know.
And the magic that once made Christmas my favorite day of the year, is gone.

So now, every year, I think back to those Christmases and I mainly just feel so sad. Or maybe, I feel old.
And I know that might seem strange to some of you. How can a girl who is only fifteen feel so old?
And I don't know how to answer that question either.

Next semester, everything is going to be so hard. I'll have three End of Course exams. I'll have a ridiculous amount of homework, whereas this past semester I had no homework at all.
I'll probably have to learn how to study; something I've never been able to do.
So on top of all of these holiday feelings, I feel stressed out over 18 weeks that haven't even happened yet.
Maybe that's just my Anxiety.

This afternoon, I didn't even know what to do with myself. I think I was having sort of a mini panic attack.
When I start thinking ahead of myself, I usually start worrying. When I worry, I get to the verge of panicking.

My granddaddy always makes me feel sad, but I admire that man for who he is. He grew up so poor, and he worked so hard to be where he is today. And he's getting old.
Every Christmas, I see the way he looks at his family and it makes me sad. God, I think everything makes me sad. And the funny thing is, I'm an extremely happy person.
But, like everyone, I can't be happy all the time. Just like I can't be sad all the time.

My family and friends have given me so much. Not just material things, I could care less about those. I mean sure, it's nice to have them, but every year I'm just so happy to have my family all in one place.
My family and friends love me even on my bad days. They love me for who I am, and I couldn't be more grateful for them. 

This post has made zero sense. It's been all over the place, there was no plot, and nothing about it was happy.
But I guess blogging is a lot like writing songs. I don't ever get to choose whether or not the song is happy or sad, it sort of seems to just choose for itself.

Peace, Love, and Nikon cameras,
                                                      Sara