Sunday, December 25, 2011

A Dance with No Music

That's how I'm feeling right now. But, I promised that the next post would be a happy one, so here goes nothing.
And when I say this one will be happy, I think I just mean "happier" than the past few posts.

Ah Christmas, the one day every single year that I turn into a big ball of crazy emotions.
It's not that I have anything against Christmas, it just always makes me feel bad.
I feel like I don't deserve any of the things that my family and friends give me. I feel like whatever i gave them isn't nearly good enough.
Christmas also always has a way of making me think to much. Especially about past Christmases.
When I was small, on the night before Christmas, I could hardly ever sleep.
I was so excited about Santa coming  into my house and leaving me presents.
I always left food for his reindeer.
When I got older, and I learned that there isn't really a Santa, I still got to relive those feelings watching my brother get so excited.
But now, we both know.
And the magic that once made Christmas my favorite day of the year, is gone.

So now, every year, I think back to those Christmases and I mainly just feel so sad. Or maybe, I feel old.
And I know that might seem strange to some of you. How can a girl who is only fifteen feel so old?
And I don't know how to answer that question either.

Next semester, everything is going to be so hard. I'll have three End of Course exams. I'll have a ridiculous amount of homework, whereas this past semester I had no homework at all.
I'll probably have to learn how to study; something I've never been able to do.
So on top of all of these holiday feelings, I feel stressed out over 18 weeks that haven't even happened yet.
Maybe that's just my Anxiety.

This afternoon, I didn't even know what to do with myself. I think I was having sort of a mini panic attack.
When I start thinking ahead of myself, I usually start worrying. When I worry, I get to the verge of panicking.

My granddaddy always makes me feel sad, but I admire that man for who he is. He grew up so poor, and he worked so hard to be where he is today. And he's getting old.
Every Christmas, I see the way he looks at his family and it makes me sad. God, I think everything makes me sad. And the funny thing is, I'm an extremely happy person.
But, like everyone, I can't be happy all the time. Just like I can't be sad all the time.

My family and friends have given me so much. Not just material things, I could care less about those. I mean sure, it's nice to have them, but every year I'm just so happy to have my family all in one place.
My family and friends love me even on my bad days. They love me for who I am, and I couldn't be more grateful for them. 

This post has made zero sense. It's been all over the place, there was no plot, and nothing about it was happy.
But I guess blogging is a lot like writing songs. I don't ever get to choose whether or not the song is happy or sad, it sort of seems to just choose for itself.

Peace, Love, and Nikon cameras,


  1. Well, when you put it like that, I guess I can't really request for a happy post, eh? :P If it's out of your power to control the contents of your post, then I'll probably have an easier time trying to persuade by teddy bears to sing, hehe

    yes, I still have my teddy's... don't judge me :(

    But 10/10 for giving it a happy try and remembering your promise! (**Hooray, Boom, Bang, Fireworks**).
    It's nice to hear that your family get together makes you happy, for some others are too distracted with the presents under the sparkling tree.

    I'm glad you don't seem to have the real, diagnosed panic attacks/panic disorder. I wouldn't wish for anyone the kind of hell you go through within those few moments of the attack. I didn't know what was wrong with me until I took my psychology course. Panic attacks, not mentioned by the general definition, are purely physical in medical terms. If I had to describe it short; you can be sitting down completely still and all of a sudden your heart skips a pump (literally) and you feel as if you just ran some miles, but your other limbs just feel cold and it is only your heart that is suffering from the running that never took place. Within seconds you lose over half of your vision to blurs and stars, your hearing isn't as impaired but is accompanied with a ringing sound produced by your brain. You don't feel like you're out of breath, but it's obvious you're not getting the full aid of both your lungs. There's a pressure at your chest that does not allow much air to come inside your body. I don't know what I look like during all this, I've been told my face loses color during the first minute. How long this sensation lasts varies from person to person. I'm lucky, it lasts for a few minutes for me, but no matter how short, any time spent with the grip of death in your conscience, is time in hell. That's one of the things panic attacks are famous for (so I learned in psychology), while it rarely causes death, the feeling of inevitable death is always a guarantee. I thought that after studying all this I won't feel as bad since I know it probably will not kill me and is only a panic attack, not a heart attack. That's not completely true, no matter how much you study the impossible theories of ghosts existing, if you see a ghost or think you see a ghost, your knowledge doesn't do much against what your physically going through at that moment.

    That is why I was a little concerned when you mentioned panic attack >.< I hope you are not going through what I described.

    Oh, about the presents being too good for you and not good enough for others, that's completely normal. Our expectation for ourselves can sometimes be our worst enemies, making us feel like we are not good enough. But if your friends and family are willing to show such a kind gesture, then in their minds you must be a lot better than you think. Don't be too hard on yourself ^.~

  2. Pssh, there's nothing wrong with teddy bears! haha

    I'm sorry to hear that :( I hate hearing about people having issues like that.
    When I say panic attack, I guess I really mean anxiety attack. I just start thinking way too much and I start breathing too fast. I sort of feel a little out of control. But I know how to handle it better now :)
    It used to happen a lot more often, and now it doesn't and I'm glad.
    I plan on majoring in Psychology when I start college! :)

  3. Sweet, it's always interesting learning about the human mind. I am currently majoring criminology. Two main focuses are psychology and law. I'm actually undecided, just going with the flow right now since my classes fit the criminology status.
    Happy to hear you're more in control with the anxiety. I should've taken lessons from you a long time ago >.<
    It's almost 12pm here, it's time for my afternoon jog. I know it took a long time for me to update my blog since I first made it public with the T-Rex post. That's only because I was waiting for my new camera and now it's here so I'll be on the blog a little more often.

    Oh and the next time you find yourself thinking too much, try thinking about the happy things maybe? We've already established your posts are a burst of uncontrollable thoughts ^.^ so I don't know anymore, hehe.

    Talk to you later =D

  4. Happy to hear you got a new camera as well :) I just got a Nikon Coolpix. Not the best Coolpix, but it's still pretty nice :)