Thursday, February 7, 2013

Broken?

A few months ago, while on a visit to my psychologist, she asked me a question.
“Do you ever feel like there is something broken inside of you? That you just don’t work the same as everyone else?”
I sat there for a moment, unable to respond. Those words summed up my feelings for the past five or so years. I have always felt that something in my brain just didn’t tick right. Somewhere inside of my mind, a gear was rusty and was not turning properly.
When she asked me that, I fought back tears. Every time I go to her office, I know that I’ll tear up. She always seems to put into words the things that I cannot find an adequate way to describe.
“Yes,” I told her.

I am an introvert. I enjoy alone time. I can spend hours thinking. But I do not like being around people for long periods of time.
I know that my friends don’t always understand this about me and it makes me sad. I wish that I didn’t have to bail out of things for the sake of preserving my sanity. I wish that I operated the same as everyone else.
And then again, I don’t.
I am glad that I do not look at things in the same light as everyone else. If I did not need to eat, drink, or sleep, I could spend a month inside my head without ever being bored a single time.
The stars alone amaze me. The grass after a rain makes me smile. In the simplest corners of life, I find meaning that is so often looked over. Maybe I have a poet’s soul.

But with all of the blessings, whatever sort of insanity I have is also a curse.
I lash out at the ones I love too often because I am angry with myself over things that they have no control over. I forget too easily that my mother and father and brother cannot see the inner turmoil taking place inside my mind.
Even now that I take medication for my anxiety, I sometimes still feel that nagging weight that sits like a rock on my heart. The medicine has helped me tremendously, but I understand that a pill can never fully patch the broken places in my brain. 

I don’t want people to feel bad for me. This is just another sort of lifestyle.
Maybe I am broken, but I’m fine that way.

Peace, love, and understanding yourself,
Sara

7 comments :

  1. I am always here for you even if you feel like no one can understand what you are feeling inside!! I might not understand but I am here to at least listen to what you have to say :) I feel the same way at times and I struggle with it so I kinda have a idea of what your are talking about. I love how you are strong enough to tell all about yourself and I wish I was able to do that!! You are a strong person and you will go really far because of that!! No matter what I will always be your friend. I still look at you like my little sister even though we don't talk almost at all lol Keep up these amazing posts because you are amazing at it:)love ya buddy

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  2. Aw, thank you so much, Jennisha! We really need to get together sometime soon :)
    ~Sara

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  3. i'm glad that you can identify your feelings. you're very brave, to be attempting to deal with yourself. you really do have a poet's soul, and a beautiful one at that. my best wishes are with you!

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  4. @Furree Katt, Thank you :)

    ~Sara

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  5. Maybe you're looking at things the wrong way. Maybe you're not broken, you're one of the few who doesn't need to be fixed. Not going to say I understand, because I'm sure I don't, at least not completely. But as someone with a similar mentality about things, I will say that I think overall it is a blessing to be able to appreciate and, in a way, experience the world at a higher level than the average person seems to. Be happy that you notice the little things that others don't.

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    1. Thank you for saying that. I don't actually feel broken, I was reflecting on what it means to think that way about yourself. I love myself the way that I am, craziness and all.
      ~Sara

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