Broken?

A few months ago, while on a visit to my psychologist, she asked me a question.
“Do you ever feel like there is something broken inside of you? That you just don’t work the same as everyone else?”
I sat there for a moment, unable to respond. Those words summed up my feelings for the past five or so years. I have always felt that something in my brain just didn’t tick right. Somewhere inside of my mind, a gear was rusty and was not turning properly.
When she asked me that, I fought back tears. Every time I go to her office, I know that I’ll tear up. She always seems to put into words the things that I cannot find an adequate way to describe.
“Yes,” I told her.

I am an introvert. I enjoy alone time. I can spend hours thinking. But I do not like being around people for long periods of time.
I know that my friends don’t always understand this about me and it makes me sad. I wish that I didn’t have to bail out of things for the sake of preserving my sanity. I wish that I operated the same as everyone else.
And then again, I don’t.
I am glad that I do not look at things in the same light as everyone else. If I did not need to eat, drink, or sleep, I could spend a month inside my head without ever being bored a single time.
The stars alone amaze me. The grass after a rain makes me smile. In the simplest corners of life, I find meaning that is so often looked over. Maybe I have a poet’s soul.

But with all of the blessings, whatever sort of insanity I have is also a curse.
I lash out at the ones I love too often because I am angry with myself over things that they have no control over. I forget too easily that my mother and father and brother cannot see the inner turmoil taking place inside my mind.
Even now that I take medication for my anxiety, I sometimes still feel that nagging weight that sits like a rock on my heart. The medicine has helped me tremendously, but I understand that a pill can never fully patch the broken places in my brain. 

I don’t want people to feel bad for me. This is just another sort of lifestyle.
Maybe I am broken, but I’m fine that way.

Peace, love, and understanding yourself,
Sara

If only life was simple like the Internet

If life had a delete or undo button, I'd be a pretty happy camper. It would be so much easier!
Number one, if life was like a social network, you would never have to fake like certain people. You could just block them from ever talking to you! Another thing that I would love, you could report people for being rude, a feature I know I would use. You could say you were offline if all you needed was to be left alone.
You would never lose track of the people that come and go through our lives, you could hold onto them until they decided to sign out forever. See what I did there? I thought it was clever... :)
Life is sometimes so amazing with twists and turns and new faces, but sometimes it leaves you devastated with your back against a huge wall. Sometimes you find out things that make you want to question people that you would rather not. Sometimes it makes you question yourself to the point where you break.
And then sometimes it's beautiful. It's the moments that take your breath away that really count. It's the friends that love you and build you up that count. My advice to anyone reading this; if you want to start completely over, do it. I am, at the start of this year I'm changing for the better. I'm not going to lose a chance to be totally honest with people about my feelings which most of the time go unspoken. I'm standing up for every last thing that I believe in. I'm going to listen to myself more than before. Best of all? I'm not taking anyone's crap. Be true to yourself and don't be a push over like I've been. Stand your ground!

~Sara

The very beginning

Sunset in my backyard :)

So I guess this is where it all starts out, this blog and me. 

I've tried to blog in the past but I never really had a reason to, and even now I guess I don't have one. I want to be able to talk about whatever I want on here. I don't care if anyone ever reads this but me, it's mostly for my benefit anyways :) It would be awesome if my story inspired someone. This is just the story of my life basically. Read it if you want, hate it, love it, laugh at it. I don't care. It's my blog, and it's my life :)