ACT Hell

                                              (Pictures taken on cruise)

First of all, I need to apologize for my prolonged absence. School deadlines have been creeping up on me, not to mention the ACT which I endured yesterday.
For anyone who doesn’t know what the ACT is, let me explain. Basically, the American College Test is the first circle of hell as described in The Divine Comedy. 
Your butt is practically glued to an uncomfortable desk seat for three hours while you sit in silence. If a watch beeps or a phone goes off, every test in the room is voided. It’s a pretty big deal.
I’m not sure what I expected, but I definitely didn’t expect to walk into the school gym that had been transformed into a giant testing facility. Thick black tarps covered the basketball courts, giving it the feel of an impending massacre that would be quite easy to clean up.
When the actual test began, I was feeling pretty good. English was the first portion, and English is my strongest subject. However, by the time math rolled around, I felt convinced that I must be sprouting gray hair. I think that test might have aged me several years.
Reading was easy enough, but I did not have nearly enough time. Science might as well have been written in Arabic because I had no idea what was going on. My brain was dead from the previous tests. I had the strange urge to stand up on my chair and begin violently ripping my test paper up. However, I realized that doing that was probably not in my best interests.
Overall,  I have no idea how well I did. Here’s to hoping that I don’t have to retake it.

On a completely unrelated note, there’s a good chance that Koas, my wonderful friend from England, will be coming to visit me this summer! I’m beyond excited, and I cannot wait to see him in person.

Peace, love, and pen-pals,
Sara

Broken?

A few months ago, while on a visit to my psychologist, she asked me a question.
“Do you ever feel like there is something broken inside of you? That you just don’t work the same as everyone else?”
I sat there for a moment, unable to respond. Those words summed up my feelings for the past five or so years. I have always felt that something in my brain just didn’t tick right. Somewhere inside of my mind, a gear was rusty and was not turning properly.
When she asked me that, I fought back tears. Every time I go to her office, I know that I’ll tear up. She always seems to put into words the things that I cannot find an adequate way to describe.
“Yes,” I told her.

I am an introvert. I enjoy alone time. I can spend hours thinking. But I do not like being around people for long periods of time.
I know that my friends don’t always understand this about me and it makes me sad. I wish that I didn’t have to bail out of things for the sake of preserving my sanity. I wish that I operated the same as everyone else.
And then again, I don’t.
I am glad that I do not look at things in the same light as everyone else. If I did not need to eat, drink, or sleep, I could spend a month inside my head without ever being bored a single time.
The stars alone amaze me. The grass after a rain makes me smile. In the simplest corners of life, I find meaning that is so often looked over. Maybe I have a poet’s soul.

But with all of the blessings, whatever sort of insanity I have is also a curse.
I lash out at the ones I love too often because I am angry with myself over things that they have no control over. I forget too easily that my mother and father and brother cannot see the inner turmoil taking place inside my mind.
Even now that I take medication for my anxiety, I sometimes still feel that nagging weight that sits like a rock on my heart. The medicine has helped me tremendously, but I understand that a pill can never fully patch the broken places in my brain. 

I don’t want people to feel bad for me. This is just another sort of lifestyle.
Maybe I am broken, but I’m fine that way.

Peace, love, and understanding yourself,
Sara

Since When

Since when did love begin picking favorites? When did love begin choosing sides? When did it begin to discriminate? When did “love” begin looking so much like hate?

The answer is never.

Love is a force. The most powerful force in the universe. Nothing can stop it. Not people, not religion, not war or bloodshed. Nothing will ever be able to eliminate something so crucial to existence. The thing about love is that it absorbs negativity and turns it into something positive. Hate makes love so much stronger and so much more beautiful.

If it were not for the love invested in several ideas that seemed radical to some during their time period, we would not have the beautiful country that we have today.

I would love it if someone could tell me why love is difficult for some people to comprehend.

Love does not choose only those of a certain sexual orientation just as it does not favor those with a certain skin tone or those with a belief in a particular religion.

Those among us with ignorant minds protest the love should not belong to couples with the same gender. They say that it is “sinful”, “wicked”, and “wrong”. Tell me, please if you are reading this and disagreeing, PLEASE comment and give me an educated answer as to how love could ever be wicked. I’m not talking about love for power, or something ridiculous like that. I’m talking about the most basic thing in the world: The love that one human being has for another.

I think the real reason that people are “homophobes” (I don’t like that word. I prefer to call them assholes) is because they are absolutely scared out of their tiny little minds.

“It’s so unnatural! It goes against the gospel!” Oh please. So do ear piercings.

Homophobes/assholes are scared because they realize how much more powerful love is when compared to hate. They can protest all they want, but eventually this country will continue to knock down the pathetic marriage barrier and allow equal rights for all human beings. When that happens, I will be immensely happy. Why?

Because it will mean that love has triumphed against ignorance once again.

Peace, love, and more love,

Sara

The Pros and Cons of Friendship

I am always amazed at the many different types of love that we, as humans, possess. Take for instance the love of a friend. Not just any friend either, but a best friend. The sort of friend that is always there for you and doesn’t mind when you don’t fix your hair or put on real clothes.

The love that we have for our friends is amazing. We stumble through these crazy lives of ours, trying to figure out our place in all of the madness around us, and then we find someone who makes us laugh. When we find someone who can make us laugh we decide if we want them to know our stories.

Friends are people that we don’t have to love, if that makes any sense at all. If we become angry with them, they can very easily walk out of our lives and never return. We still love them regardless, even though we understand the risk of letting them into our lives. By loving them, we give them the potential to leave us devastated should something go wrong. While we have them in our lives, we have something solid to lean on. We have a barrier between us and the outside world. But when they leave, and everyone leaves eventually, we are right back where we started. We take to stumbling through life again, because we no longer have that second pair of feet to help us through the murkier parts of existence. Dark days become darker, and light days seem dimmed.

We don’t always choose to lose those who matter to us. Sometimes they are taken away from us by the mysterious workings of death. Sometimes distance proves to be too big of an obstacle to surmount. With every scenario comes a different and separate type of pain.

No matter how heartbroken we are when we are separated, true friends are one of the greatest parts of life.

 

Peace, love, and Pimp Daddy (you know who you are),

Sara

Dramatically Boring “End of the World” Post

When I first heard the theory that the world would end at the end of 2012, I was in the sixth grade. My history teacher was the one who told us, an entire class of very gullible twelve year olds, who probably all went home crying. I worried about it for weeks. I even remember making all sorts of plans on how to avoid death in 2012. One such plan involved a sort of escape pod. I was twelve. Cut me some slack. My dad told me to stop worrying. He told me, “If it ends, it ends. There’s nothing you can do to stop it.” He was right, so I didn’t worry anymore.
I know that end of the world scares are bogus, and sometimes humorous, but I’m sure that we’ve all thought, “What if it actually ends?” For my sixth grade mind, I imagined that I would be sitting with everyone in my family in the living room. That seemed a good way to go. Actually, what I’ve done in the past twelve hours has been quitting my horrible job, going to my best friend’s b-day party, and now I’m sitting on my bed and writing a post with six hours and twenty-two minutes on the clock until zombies. Or aliens. Or solar flare. Or something more insane.
What will I do with the remaining six hours?
I’m taking a shower.
Reading a book or two.
And then I’m going to sleep. (I’ll still be cheesy and set my alarm for four thirty just so that I can see for myself that I’m not dead. Heh. Heh.
The thought of dying doesn’t scare me. I view it with Peter Pan’s philosophy. “To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
I don’t believe that the world will end, but if it did and someone spent one of their last hours reading this, I’d feel pretty important.

Thank you, dearest readers, for listening to my craziness. You greatly inspire me.
Peace, love, and joy,
Sara

Free Write

I've never posted a free writing segment, so I guess I'll start now. For anyone who doesn't know what free writing is, it is the act of continuously writing about, well, anything. You don't have to have a topic, you just have to write. It's basically a stream of consciousness that gets written down.
Here goes nothing :)

Sometimes I think too much. Way too much actually. My thoughts get too deep and then I end up sort of in a daze. I wonder if Koas is dreaming right now. Gah, I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Counting pills and waiting on sick people is very dull. I wish I could go skydiving, or something else really dangerous and exciting. I want to go on a real adventure. Sometimes I wish that I could go on adventures like I've read of in books. Scratch that, I ALWAYS want to go on amazing adventures like the ones I've read about in books. It's just the thought of it that excites me. Danger and beautiful stars. I want to see real stars. There is way too much light pollution here to see the majority. I want to see other planets with life. I want to go to new worlds. Worlds just starting out. Worlds where no creature has polluted and tortured the planet that allows its existence. I want to fly, and sometimes I don't want to wake up. In dreams, everything is possible. In reality, I am burdened. One day, I want a garden. I want a cottage in the woods. I think I've had that dream ever since I saw Matilda when I was younger. I wanted to be like that teacher whose name I can't remember. The  pretty blond one, not the crazy one. When I go to college, I hope I don't have a psychopath room mate. That would suck.

Peace, love, and understanding one's inner crazy,
Sara

A Post for Koas

I don’t have any pictures of us together goofing off, or just being nutters (heh), but you happen to be one of my greatest friends. As part one of your Christmas present, I’d like to write you a post in letter form that expresses my gratefulness for your existence.
Ready.
Set.
Go!

(Please enjoy this picture of Koas which I edited as a comic book panel.)
(Also, I stole it from his Facebook profile)
(I’m such a bad person)

Dear Koas/British Buddy/awesome guy,
                                                       I knew you were cool as soon as you killed me on Call of Duty. See, normally I might have been mad, but how can anyone be mad at someone who is not only hilarious, but also has an English accent? That’s right. You can’t. I know how annoying I must’ve been in the beginning when I could hardly understand what you were saying to me. I was naïve enough to think that every English person sounded like the actors on Harry Potter, but that is clearly not the case. For whatever reason, you continued to talk to the crazy American girl who is slightly mad and who can never finish sentences properly when she talks.
There are a few things I have learned from you, and I’m going to list those:

1. The time difference between here and Oxfordshire. Without even thinking anymore, I know what time it is for you vs. what time it is for me and the likelihood that you are still awake. Also, time differences suck. Majorly.
2. I now understand many British slang words. However cool they may be, I’d look stupid using them here, so I refrain.
3. Geography. Now I understand more about where things are located in England, and in Europe period.
4. Minecraft. You were the first person who told me about it, even before my friends knew of the beautiful game.
5. How much a postcard costs to mail. I love going to the post office and telling them that I need a letter mailed to England.
6. The cost of living in London. I have done extensive research on the matter, as I plan on living there one day.
7. How Americans are perceived in other countries.
8. How not every place on this planet is as close minded as some of the places I know.

You have an awesome taste in music as well, and you’ve introduced me to countless amazing bands which I listen to on a daily basis. Also, we are going to have to make a cover as soon as I get a mic and a reliable software, so prepare yourself, good sir.
You also give me hope for an amazing future. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true. When I think of all the places I’ll go and all of the amazing people that I’ll meet later in my life, it makes me so happy. Somehow, knowing you has made the world both even larger and even smaller than I had known before. Larger, because you have become the boy who lives in my computer and always has hilarious stories to tell me about life across the pond. Larger, because I can’t hop in my car and drive five minutes down the road to hang out with you. Smaller, because even though I know you’re thousands of miles away, it never feels like that to me. Smaller, because I was lucky enough to find such cool person on Xbox.
Thank you, Koas, for sticking around in my life and for making me laugh on my worst days. I know that I can be really crazy sometimes, but thanks for toughing it out anyway. You’re one of my best friends despite the time difference and the thousands of miles of ocean and land in between our separate parts of the globe.
Peace, love, and learning to type even faster,
Sara

Cliché Thanksgiving Post

It’s the time of year again when Americans travel to be with loved ones, stampede down the aisles of Wal-Mart, and succeed in setting something on fire while in the process of cooking the perfect Thanksgiving meal. For much of my childhood, Thanksgiving was spent at my mom’s mother’s house in Alabama. Now, it is spent right down the street at my dad’s parents. Either way, I am always reminded of the importance of family.

In the holiday spirit (and because I like lists), I’m going to list what I am thankful for this year. I want to look back at how I change and grow through the years, and this is a great way to do that.

I am thankful for…

1. My mom, for being a strong role model. You know how to make your kids laugh, and you are one of my best friends.
2. My dad, for being so caring. You understands my love for all animals (even rats and moles), and have always taught me to never give up.
3. My brother, for understanding my sense of humor and for listening to the stories that I’ve been making up for years. In a way, you were what made me love music. You listened to the songs that I made up off the top of my head as you fell asleep, and that inspired me to continue writing songs.
4. My friends, for being real with me even if you don’t always understand me.  
5. Koas and Olle, for listening from thousands of miles away. I know that I can tell either of you anything without worrying about you stabbing me in the back. I’ve known you both for exactly a year now. Here’s to many more years!
6. My cat Jazmine, for sleeping beside me and keeping my toes warm at night.
7. My cat Peeta, for making me so happy for two years. You were such an amazing cat, and I know that I will never forget you.
8. Liberty, for being the most amazing dog in the world. You have been a part of our family for eleven years, and I still remember the day we got you. You’ve always been like Nana from Peter Pan.
9. Ellie, for being the most spoiled mutt that I’ve ever known. Thank you for making me laugh.
10. My job. It supports my music and book addiction.
11. The field. It’s a place to run in the open and be alone.
12. The river, for being a place of peace and life and promise.
13. The woods, for being a home to so many kinds of life. A place that is both loud and silent.
14. My past, for shaping me into the person that I have become.
15. My mistakes, for teaching me that I can be better than what I was yesterday.
16. My knowledge, for allowing me to see past so much ignorance and hate.
17. My heart, for being empathetic.
18. My imagination, for making everyday interesting.
19. Memories, for making me smile and cry.
20. Last of all, I am thankful for my readers. You make me so happy when I see that someone has commented or emailed me from the Say, Sara page. Thank you for being so supportive and amazing.

What are you thankful for? Leave a comment below!

Peace, Love, and Books,

Sara

Bravery and Cowards

Paige and I were given the assignment by our fantastic psychology teacher to wear rainbow ribbons supporting gay rights for a day. The point of the assignment was to see the reactions of people that we came in contact with throughout the day. Of course, neither of us had any issues with putting the ribbons on and wearing them proudly, but I did have a problem with the prejudice that I witnessed first hand.

This activity made me realize how brave we both are.  We were not even slightly ashamed of our ribbons, and we never thought about taking them off or hiding them from sight.  Some people probably thought that the activity was ridiculous or stupid, but we didn’t.  We knew what we stood for.

I am so sick of hearing uneducated, ignorant people making assumptions about gay people just because they’ve seen a few words about homosexuality in the Bible. A book, let me remind you, that was written by men. If it were written by God then there would be a lot more Christians. But it wasn’t.

No one chooses to be gay. Why can’t people understand this? In a few decades, the people who went against gay rights will be looked down on. Do we not look down on those who went against the Civil Rights Movement? I know that I have posted time and time again on this issue, but I won’t stop until there is a significant change in our society. I will not stop fighting for the betterment of this country, because I know better. I know that you cannot choose who you love, just as you cannot choose what type of life you are born into.

Paige and I are brave. We are not like the cowards who cannot stand to think outside of their “comfort zones”. I know that people like us seem rare (teens with proper heads on their shoulders), but I can assure you that we are not. There are so many more like us. There are so many people who want to show people what love really is. Love does not mean to condemn. Call me crazy, I don’t care. I am passionate about what I believe in. I believe in love.

All that I ask is that you, most fantastic reader, can be brave with me.

How can you be brave? By taking part in any of the following:

1. A Lesson in Prejudice: Wear a gay pride ribbon for a day like Paige and I did. Write about your experience on you blog, or email me through the Say, Sara page. Heck, leave a comment on this post!
2. Be Loud: Protest! No war was ever won by being quiet and doing nothing. If you can’t make it to any peaceful, public demonstrations, write about it. Having a blog, Facebook, Tumblr, or Twitter account means that you have a voice. Make it a strong one! As always, link me in the comments to your post. I love to see people taking a stand for what they believe in.
3. Illustrate: Post a gay rights blog button on your side bar. People love pictures. Especially when they involve rainbows.
4. Take The Pledge: Go ahead, click the button. You know you want to.

There you have it. Four incredibly easy options for being brave and taking a step towards a better future.

Peace, love, and warm toes,

Sara

Religion

I was going to write a post about my cruise to Mexico, or about my awesome friend Koas, but then I knew what I had to write about first.
People never cease to amaze me.
Everyday I am surrounded by so much ignorance and so much hate that I want to scream. It sometimes feels like I'm in one of those great but depressing sci-fi movies where the society is so corrupt and only a small percentage of the population actually understand how corrupted it is.
I realize that I'm exaggerating, but I'm a writer (or at least I try to be). I'm allowed to go crazy with my imagination on a daily basis.

Not everyone in our school is a Christian. In fact, a large number of the students are atheist or agnostic.
I myself don't claim any religion fully. I consider myself to be a very spiritual person, and I am very happy to live this way. My parents and brother are Christians, but we don't go to church anymore. We embrace the philosophy that going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I have observed throughout the years, especially in middle school, that many "Christians" judged, ridiculed, and bullied other children even though they claimed to be very close to God.

Religion is such a funny thing.
It turns people against each other, even if they are a part of the same religion. It topples governments and crushes cities. Countless people have died or murdered in the name of faith.
Religion can make people crazy. Not all people, of course, but it has the potential.

My mom and I talk about many controversial topics, and yesterday we talked about religion.
I am very lucky to have a mother and a father who have never imposed any beliefs on me.
My mom and I talked about how crazy it is to think that any single religion is totally correct. Christianity, in the scheme of things, is a fairly new religion. Who is to say that the ancient Egyptians weren't right? Or the ancient Greeks?
Because of this, I embrace the Buddhist philosophy that gods are different depending on the time period and various cultural aspects. I think that there is certain wisdom in any of the world's religions, both past and present.

What I cannot comprehend is how some people get so worked up over religious issues.
So someone believes differently than you. Guess what? They are no more right or wrong than you are. 
No one knows what is after this life. Maybe we are born again. Maybe our soul leaves our body and rests eternally in a divine realm. The point is, no one can know for sure, so it is pointless to fight over it.

The other day in class, a boy said something about being agnostic. Another boy snapped at him and said that he was disrespecting his God.
People like the second boy are why I want to live on an island. All by myself, away from the ignorance.
Just because that is your God does not mean that is my God.

What I want more than anything is an accepting society, no matter how impossible that is.

I'll close this post with a quote from one of our presidents and founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson.

Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
-Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia, 1782

Peace, love, and scary movies,
Sara