Friday, September 21, 2012

Tonight I Wasn't Very Sara

I went back to my psychologist today. It had been about five years since my last visit.
Honestly, I was never "fixed". When I was eleven and I got out of that terrible depression that I was in, I wasn't done being depressed or having anxiety. Instead, I had learned how to cope with it.
Sure, I didn't think I was going insane anymore, but I was still thinking about how many horrible outcomes each day could have.
I didn't want to go back to the psychologist for the longest time. My mom would mention it on the days when I couldn't hold it together that well, but I always said no. I honestly thought that I could work through it on my own, but I can't. I think I tricked myself into thinking that everything was fine, that I was going to work through everything by myself. I was very wrong.
As I was talking to my psychologist today, I think I finally understood how long this has been going on. Basically, I've had terrible anxiety my entire life.

Today I wanted to go to the football game. It was a home game and all of my friends were going to be there.
It was going to be fun.
But on the drive home from the appointment, I started feeling really bad again.
And by feeling bad, I don't mean a headache. I was upset over so many things all at once.
I was sad for my parents worrying about me. I was sad about my friends probably thinking that I'm crazy because they don't understand how much anxiety affects my life, etc.

When I got home I decided to play Minecraft and try to get myself thinking happier thoughts, but that didn't help anything. My mom was going on a walk around the block and so I decided to go with her.
But as I was getting dressed, my friend Paige called me.

On and off for an hour, I had been debating with myself on whether or not I should go to the game.
Then I messaged Paige and told her that I wouldn't be coming.
I was just so upset and I still am upset. I didn't want to be around people at all, even the friends that I am very grateful for. Lately, since this has been progressively been getting worse, I've been making up excuses to get out of social events. It doesn't matter what the setting is. From a football game to going to Sonic with my friends, it doesn't take much to throw me into anxiety mode. And because I was already having a hard time with it, I knew that I would most likely be a blubbering mess in the car and that I would probably leave the game early. Half the time, I make up some excuse about my mom wanting me to come home when I'm out with friends. I say that I didn't do the dishes or that I have some sort of homework to do, but really it's because I get sad and worried even more than usual. I leave because I know that if I stay, I could potentially start crying or get very quiet and then my friends would ask me too many questions.
I really don't like answering questions when I get like that. Partly, it's because I can't put how I'm feeling into words. For the most part, it's because I know that I'll start crying again. I don't like to cry in front of people.

So when Paige called me and asked why I wasn't going to the game, it was all I could do to hold myself together. The reason I wasn't going didn't have to do with wanting to write, or play video games, or reading.
It had to do with the fact that I was just too fragile to go anywhere in public.

After I had myself mostly pulled together, dad watched Doctor Who with me. It meant a lot to me since both  of my parents hate that show. But we watched Blink, and no one is allowed to hate that episode because it's awesome.
I love my parents so much, and I'm very thankful that they try their best to help me not to be so sad and worried all the time.

Hopefully, this can provide my friends with the answers to why I've been absent from social functions lately.

Now that I've started going back to a psychologist, I think that I'll start to get better soon.
At least I hope so.

Peace, love, and socks,

1 comment :

  1. Sara-i have no idea what it's like to live with anxiety like you're describing. That sounds so incredibly hard! I would encourage you to continue to reach out for help and make sure that you take care of yourself both by taking space and connecting with people. I wish you the best!