Thursday, January 5, 2012

Letter number one: A Goodbye

I've decided to start writing letters sometimes to people that won't ever read them. Some of you will know exactly who I'm talking about, and others won't. But that's the point. It's letters that won't ever be read by the person they are written for.
Here is my first letter. I'll try to make it easy to understand what happened to those of you who don't know me personally. It's going to be a lot harder to write this than I thought.

Dear 3rd grade,

I don't know what happened to us, I really and truly don't. I know that we've both had hard times. I know that you weren't there when I needed you. Scratch that. You're never there period. You never stand up for me, ever. In fact, half the time, you're one of the ones that knocks me down.
When we were in third grade, I had the biggest crush on you. I still had a crush on you in the fourth grade, part of fifth, and at some point during sixth. I never wanted to give up on you.
An a part of me still doesn't want to give up. But I don't like you in the same way anymore. Actually, for a while last year I thought I liked you until I realized that I can't depend on you. The friends that I surround myself with are stable. They're the rocks that I can hold onto when things get tough for me. And, I'm sure you don't know this because you don't care, but things get tough for me a lot. I make things tough for myself.
For all of last semester, I wanted you to just accept me. Just accept me as a friend. That's all I wanted from you. And you couldn't even do that much. One day you told me, "I'm so awful to people, I don't know how I have friends." And I laughed, and said that you have friends because you're a good person. I still stand by that. I think you're a great person. You just probably aren't the type of person that can handle all of my craziness, and at the end of the day still be my friend. All you ever do is make fun of me. My laugh, how silly I am, etc. I don't need that. I don't need someone like that in my life.  You don't even know the first thing about me. You don't know how hard it is for me to even be myself around people. You take me for granted, and I don't deserve that.
My best friend told me in the car today, "I tried hard to like him because you clearly still hang out with him, but the way he treats you makes me mad." Or something along those lines, I don't remember word for word.
And you know what? She's exactly right. When it comes to trusting people, sure it takes me a while, but once I trust someone it's hard for me to back away from them.
I have told you so much. I used to come home and look forward to getting on facebook just to vent about something to you. And now we hardly speak.
It's amazing to me, how we were so close years ago, and now you just don't care.
All I wanted, was for us to be back to the way we used to be. It used to be so easy to talk to you, and now it's like talking to a wall. I never know which side of you I might be talking to. I never know where I stand.
Now I know that, as much as I hate it, I have to give up on you.
When I started trying to be your friend again in the sixth grade, you pushed me away. I had no friends, no one to talk to, I was miserable. And you pushed me away.
You were so wrapped up in your music. And you're great, don't get me wrong. It's everything to you. It takes up so much of your  life, that you don't even see the people around you. I love music, I love so many things, but my friends and family? They always come first. I love them more than anything. They've made me who I am today. Someone that isn't afraid to stand up for herself when no one else will.
You say things sometimes so sarcastic and hateful, that it's hard to tell if you're kidding. You told me that you didn't know who would marry someone like me. Thanks for that by the way. It really boosted my self esteem.
Practically right up through the roof.
And when I was sad about that, when I let that get to me, I didn't show it. It was Kimberlee that said something. And you acted as if we should have known you were kidding. You told me, "You can't act like a sensitive girl when you hang around this many guys."
Thanks a lot dear sir, but I think I can handle myself just fine around guys. They do make up most of my friends. Never once, have any of my other guy friends hurt my feelings the way that you hurt my feelings every single day.
And I won't let it happen anymore. Because I'm done with you. I'm done with wanting you to accept me.
You've had a billion chances to just treat me like a friend, and you've failed every single time.
You let me down.
The funny thing is, I can't bring myself to hate you. I can't even dislike you. I can't bring myself to hate something I used to love, more as a friend than anything else.
If you ever read this, I think you might laugh at me. Go ahead and laugh, I'm done with you.
I'm done with you not accepting me. I'm done with you not appreciating me.
If you can find it in yourself to be a man and say you're sorry for all of this, go for it. But you should know that even if you did, it would be a very long time until I trusted you again.

                         I tried,
                              Someone that used to think the world of you


  1. O.o do you think our lives are connected somehow because I'm beginging to feel like this for one of my best friends. But for me, he hasn't hurt me enough for me to let go.

    Hang on, losing a friend can be hard

  2. That is an odd coincidence. It is hard, but I think it was just time for me to let him go. Know how many words he spoke to me today? None. Which made my decision that much easier.


  3. It's interesting because I read Zebra's post right before this one... but I completely agree with how people really do change. I used to be in love with the kid who I'd been best friends with in first grade. He stopped talking to me in second grade, but I still liked him. I always thought he was this fantastic person who was out of my reach. Then in seventh grade, I realized that he was actually not a very nice person. I'd just invented this whole image of him in my head based off of the great times we had in first grade.

    It's hard to know how people are going to turn out in elementary school. The kids who I didn't consider my best friends are now the friends I've treasured and kept the longest, and the ones I thought I'd never live without don't even look at me in the hallway.

  4. It's nice to see you're moving on with integrity, Sara. These events aren't unusual, we can't expect everyone we want in our lives to stay in our lives.
    My friend of 5 years is now slowly drifting. It's mainly because people change and we just didn't change in a way that was as compatible anymore. I won't try to change her back, and I won't change myself for her, but it's getting to the point where I feel like we are friends in vain.
    I'm perfectly fine letting people go even if they were extremely close to me for 5 years, so I'm not going through such a hard time (luckily, phew ^.^).
    I think these letters you write are pretty cool. Writing a letter can feel very relieving - heck, just reading this letter made me feel a bit relieved =D

  5. @G-fish I'm glad other people seem to know what I'm talking about! In the end I guess you just have to love what you have and learn not to question it :)

    @Rui Same thing I said to G-fish, plus...Thank you! There's going to be many more letters to come. Some might be longer, but I think the majority will be shorter. :)